I'm always saying I'm going to update this more, and I never do.
Of course, no-one's reading it anyway, so I figure I'm only letting myself down, but still. Its the principle damnit!
Is anyone buying that? No? Me neither.
Anyway, for the sake of keeping up with documenting my life (so that one day when I'm old and senile there will be some record of me so someone can remind me that I wasn't always old and senile), I have news:
I'm going back to University!!!!!!!!!!!!!This may seem like a small thing, but its been 3+ years in the making, so I'm thrilled that I'm being given the chance to go back and complete.
For the sake of continuity, despite the fact that my (2) readers already know this story, I will elaborate on why this is such a big deal. I started university (the very first time) way back in 2002, but had a fairly comprehensive emotional breakdown and had to leave after 6 weeks. This was after 3 years of dealing with undiagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - living away from home and having to deal with that on top of uni-work just did me in. I couldn't cope, couldn't function at all, and leaving became the only realistic option.
So, I left. I came back home, got a job and began seeing a therapist. The job thing didn't last - I was still too ill to hold it down - but I stuck with the therapy, and the medicine the dr prescribed, and things began to improve. That's when I decided I wanted to go back to uni, to start a new course somewhere closer to home so I could continue to deal with my illness, while at the same time attain my degree.
(I won't elaborate on where I studied, or what course, because the internet is a public domain and I have absolutely no desire to be more specific than I have to be) I re-commenced my studies in 2003, the year after my first failed attempt. Things went well enough - had a couple of fals-starts with my course, but it was easily rectified and I was pretty content. This continued into my second year.
Towards the end of my 2nd year things started to go wrong. I freely admit I was in a poor emotional state again at the time (having reached stalemate with my first therapist, I was at that point between doctors) and did not do enough to help myself get out from under my issues.
Regardless, by my 3rd and final year things were really starting to unravel. I could not get a grip on the major research project all final year students have to complete, and initially tried deferring it to the following academic year in order to alleviate some of the pressure.
It was too late - I had effectively given up on my studies. I had 3, or possibly 4 classes in the second half of my 3rd year - I attended only one. I also only attended one exam, guaranteeing a 0 mark for the other 2. I left at the end of the year, and never went back. This was despite the fact that I was meant to re-register in the autumn to begin work on my deferred dissertation. I never did, and no-one noticed. As it turns out that was a good thing, but at the time it simply compounded my feeling that I did not wish to return.
For the next 2 years I worked a series of temp jobs - one of which lasted for 18 months actually, and was a major catalyst in my wanting to return to my education. It was the first job I had ever had where I felt I was useful, felt I knew what I was taking about, felt even that I was respected by the people I worked for. It did untold wonders for my ruined self-esteem, and I began to believe in myself again. I began to look to the future, and decided that I wanted to complete my higher education. I had earned 2 of the 3 years of my university course, and parts of the 3rd year. It seemed a tremendous waste not to try and do something about it - I was so near to the end.
However, I still held some negative feelings towards my old school. My experiences in my final year were largely unpleasant (partly my own fault - as I said, I did not do enough to help myself) and I just couldn't face putting myself back in that situation. I began to look for alternatives, and for a time planned to transfer and complete my studies in the US.
Unfortunately for me, whilst I was busy making my plans, the bottom fell out of the global economy in a fairly spectacular fashion. I lost my job (they were unable to further renew my contract), and all the US loan companies stopped lending money to international students. The whole endeavour would have cost tens of thousands of pounds, and although I had been saving whilst I was working, I couldn't afford the tuition and various other expenses without a loan. I had to go back to the drawing board.
I pondered over this for some time, and eventually came to the realisation that if I truly wanted to complete my undergraduate studies, I would have to return to my old school to do it. I was nervous (terrified, if I'm honest) because what was to stop them from telling me to shove off? It had been years since I last attended, even longer since I started, and I had nothing more than myself, and the growing I had done in the intervening years, to recommend me to them. In the end I decided if I didn't ask I would never know, so I contacted them.
It was a rather drawn-out process, as due to the time-elapse I had to submit a case to the Appeals Board to be allowed to return. Suffice to say, I got very lucky, and have been permitted to return!
This is good news (in case the long rambling story was unclear), although I'm still concerned about some of what has to be done. But this time I am determined to keep going until I succeed - I am an intelligent woman, and stronger than I was before. I will not allow myself to give up, or be defeated this time. It is the last chance I'll have to do this, and I will not squander it.
I
am going to do this.
